Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Mayo Clinic

Mayonnaise.

The single most awful ingredient known to mankind. Yet, even I, who can't stand eggs in most of their native forms use this god-awful stuff. But no longer.

The stuff is basically fat and calories. It's a lubricant for sandwiches and a creamer for dips. Consider this: would you ever eat the stuff straight or almost straight? I'll take a spoonful of peanut butter, a dollop of cream cheese, a pinky of jam and I'd never, ever consider putting a glob of mayo down my gullet. I bet you're the same. I sure hope you're the same. Ewww.

So why do we still use this stuff? The low fat alternatives don't do it for me. and, bless it, yogurt just has too different an overall flavor. But I've found a solution that works for me (Thanks, Mom!). Pickles.

Pickles do something interesting when you eat them. They increase your output of saliva. This in turn makes the dryness of otherwise plain bread dissolve away easily. Calorically they are nothing compared to mayo. Fat? None. Cholesterol? Nada. Salt. There's the kicker. Gotta be aware of that but that's really their only flaw.

So, if you're after another easy dietary change, add four more pickle slices to your 'wich and leave off the mayo. Unless you can't stand pickles, either. But c'mon, it's not like they're eggs.

B!

19 comments:

Rachel said...

I have to agree with you whole-heartedly in your distaste for eggs. But unfortunately, I also find mayo and pickles to have the same disgusting qualities. You've left me no options, Bruce. What am I supposed to put on my sandwich? Do you have any insightful options?

Devlynda Marie said...

Oh, I love eggs and mayonnaise and quite often mix the two together in an incredible egg sandwich which is so so good. If you can do without mayo, Bruce, godspeed. I, for one, somehow am able to continue to eat it (with french fries, even) and lose some poundage. Bah.

Bruce said...

Forgive me, but egg salad IS the devil's work. Fact. I can even provide a mathematical proof.

As for other salivic alternatives. Rachel - I'd suggest some mild or milder peppers, like banana peppers or Pepperoncinis. They may do the trick without lighting you on fire.

Are there other foods/ingedients that cause you to cringe, dear readers? I can leave olives behind. Don't hate 'em, but don't need 'em.

Stephanie said...

A phlegmy phooey on mayo. Especially mayo on a fried bologna sandwich. Even thinking about it gives me the willies.

Stephanie said...

Food that causes me to cringe/groan/gag/run-for-the-nearest-exit: Mushrooms, in any way, shape or form. And please don't say: "You should try them cooked such-and-such a way..."
Because I have. And it wasn't pretty.

Bruce said...

Steph - Fried bologna? I thought Elvis died? Do people really eat that? It's 2007.

'Shrooms. At least you tried them. Mushroom omelets are off of both our menus. Duly noted.

daveknows said...

Oooo, you just gave me an idea: dipping pickles in mayonaise!

daveknows said...

. . . and if we can get a deep fryer involved we can make a million at the state fair!

Bruce said...

Dave - I love a good get rich quick scheme!

Whitney said...

Foods I won't eat--- that is a rare category, but I thought up a couple:
Raw tomatos, rasberrys and sardines. Yuck...

And actually- I think Elvis did fried banana and mayo sandwiches. :)

elvis fan :) said...

Actually.... Fried peanutbutter and bannana. Just a note....the bannanas were smashed.

Lucas said...

I represent the Egg Council (Mayonnaise Div.) and you will soon be hearing from our lawyers in regards to this slanderous libel (or is it libellous slander? Hate speech?).

Good day to you, Sirrah.

(I don't like cranberry sauce, but I love bacon buttys)

Bruce said...

I look forward to my day in court. The truth shall prevail.

Devlynda Marie said...

I hate peas, but I can eat them in a number of situations.

Anonymous said...

Pickles are one of the few items on my "don't like" food list. You accurately mentioned the gag reflex induced by the thought of eating mayo solo, but honestly, I'd shovel an entire jar straight down the hatch before I'd eat pickles.

The simplest, easiest, and bestest sandwich ever invented: open-faced grilled cheese (sharp Tillamook cheddar on Grand Central como bread) with dijon mustard and sliced roma tomatoes on top.

Trask

Bruce said...

I will sell the tickets to the mayo eating session. You can have half of the proceeds.

'Wich sounds good. I have really become a big fan of romas. The no mess tomato. I've started making a regular dinner of a grilled skinless chicken breast with garlic, basil, oregano, and pepper. When approaching the finish take shaved parmesan (gotta be shaved) and cover the top of the chicken, heat it to melting, cover with thinly sliced romas and a dash more of basil. Savory.

GK said...

Mayo can add a little zing to a sandwich, but I can't support mayo on burgers. Just plain wrong. If I use mayo at all, it's the light stuff and very little at that. However, this pickle thing sounds pretty good.

-GK

Bruce said...

GK - Thanks for visiting and playing along. Nice to see you in the 'hood (and at lunch today).

Lucas said...

Bruce, I took your advice: last weekend at the grocery store, instead of buying a new jar of mayonnaise I bought a jar of pickle slices. I am currently eating a sandwich which consists of roast beef (leftovers of a meal made by the one and only Audrey Eschright), Tillamook cheddar and zesty pickle slices.

Is good.